One man's simple quest to regain his former glory.
I used to be funny. I used to be the king of funny. I was the guy who found Chuck Amato's daily schedule, who asked Mr. Wetherell how the U of Florida's *@#$@# tasted, etc. In fact, I had a stretch of 14 straight top 5 posts. I was the King of College Football related humorous posts.
But then it all came crashing down around me. I got cocky. I hired my incompetent relative as my Offensive-material Coordinator thinking it was just me who had built this legacy. When my Women's Basketball post failed, I blamed the readers for being Last Comic Standing All-Americans. Finally, and most humiliatingly, came this Friday's post on Toney Douglas. If you missed the site on Friday, I posted a little piece on what I thought were some funny things Toney Douglas would and would not do. It was awful. The negative comments outweighed the positive by a score of about 30-0. It was so bad, I deleted the post in shame and headed off to do some soul searching.
I finally knew that a change had to be made. I couldn't continue to do the same old things and expect new results. I fired my Offensive-material Coordinator and brought in a new hotshot guy from out of state. I then decided to name him Head Comedian In Waiting to prepare for the day when I'm ready to hang it up.
I also decided to get back to my roots. I needed to recruit good ideas that were close to my home base. Successful ideas that had the type of talent that I used to be able to bring in. There was one name that seemed to spark my creative juices more than any other: Chuck Amato. The Clown. How could I not be funny with the Clown as my target?
With all that being said, I present to you a copy of the contract Chuck Amato signed just last week. As always, this scoop is an extra-special exclusive to TomahawkNation, and you won't find it anywhere else.
I. Projected Athletic Income
Speaking Engagements $12.50
Source: Victor's Secret Men's Bras $75,000
Source: Gucci Sunglasses $1,000
Source: The Wicked Witch of the West Shoes $100
Income in Exchange for Charitable Work
Source: Ringling Bros. Circus $50.00
Source: The Chuck Amato Football Camp -$10,000
Source: Locker Room Janitor $20,000
"I certify that I am in compliance with all NCAA and Institutional regulations on Outside Income."
signed: Chuck Amato and TK Wetherell, 2/05/09
II. Employee's Obligations
The University hereby agrees to pay the coach the agreed amount above under the following conditions.
- The coach shall not wear Florida State apparel during commercials for Victor's Secret House of Men's Bras (hereby designated the Boobie Store).
- The coach will refrain from crying on the football field when discussing how much "heart his guys has."
- The coach shall avoid contact with Nigel Bradham and Vince Williams as much as possible to avoid actually teaching them his specific "techniques."
III. Employer's Obligations
The University subsequently agrees to look the other way on the following actions.
- The University will grant an exception to the Employee's Dress Code to allow for coach's red shoes and yellow sunglasses.
- The University will designate a special store room filled with green tea and cough drops for coach's throat.
- The University will not consider it sexual harassment or indecent exposure when coach takes his shirt off at the annual Athletic Department Pool Party.
The length of this agreement shall be until January 6, 2010 or when Bobby Bowden retires or dies, whichever comes first. The University and the coach both agree and are fully aware that the only reason the coach is still around is out of a personal favor to Bobby Bowden. In fact, it is hereby noted that this personal favor is the only reason the coach ever got this job in the first place.
Upon termination of this agreement, the coach will forget he ever came back to Florida State for a second term, as the University would like to do the same. Neither will ever talk about it in public if asked. If asked privately, the coach will thank the University for its charity and state how deeply sorry he is for his terrible performance.
Hereby witnessed and signed: Chuck Amato and TK Wetherell, 2/05/09
**Fingers crossed that I have captured the old magic.