Anytime I read one of Tomahawk Nation's very funny takes on Chuck Amato (MattD is reigning king), a thought occurs to me: We make fun of Amato a lot on this site. Yet somehow not nearly enough. And then it also occurred to me that with all the work MattD and the rest of us put into "critiquing" CTC's "contributions" at Florida State - what about you, gentle reader? What about those of you who haven't yet had the chance to participate in this experience?
Presenting the Chuck Amato Mad Lib. I threw this together fairly quickly, but the best part about a Chuck Amato piece is that it largely writes itself. The even better part about this particular piece? You get to fill in the blanks. Finally it's your turn.
1. a bright color
2. your favorite 2009 FSU recruit that signed somewhere else
3. your least favorite FSU position coach besides Chuck Amato
4. a male body part (can be plural)
5. a dangerous wild animal
6. a women's clothing store
7. a letter grade between A and D (no + or -)
8. your favorite quarterback's jersey number
9. a luxurious fabric
10. an animal you might see on an African safari
11. a state that starts with "V" besides Vermont
12. a bright color
13. one last bright color
14. a school supply
15. your favorite offensive lineman's jersey number
16. an obscure sport or game
17. a small third-world country
18. the most evil leader in history that you can think of
19. your favorite FSU paysite
20. just use Jeff Bowden
21. your most hated rival
22. the year you think Miami will win its next national championship
23. a female body part
One bright, sunny morning in Tallahassee, Florida, Jimbo Fisher called Chuck Amato into his office. Chuck entered the room wearing his favorite bright - (1) - shoes. "Chuck," said Jimbo, "I have a special assignment for you. We're going to have you secretly recruit - (2) - to FSU. This is our prized recruit, and we need you to prove your worth around here. Because if you were even half the coach that - (3) - is, you'd still be the biggest waste of space on our staff."
"No kidding," chimed in Rick Trickett. "And for the love of Bobby, put on a shirt! I haven't seen that much loose fur since I tore the - (4) - off a - (5) - with my bare hands!"
Chuck immediately left campus and hit the road, with his first stop on the recruiting trail being: Governor's Square Mall! The first store he visited was - (6) - where he shopped for a new bra. "I think I'm a - (7) - cup," he told the frightened girl at the counter. However, the girl laughed and retorted, "Yeah right! And you're also a size - (8) -!"
After purchasing a - (9) - handbag and donning a - (10) --skin vest, Chuck left the mall and headed for the recruit's school. When he arrived, he quickly extinguished his last - (11) - Slim menthol cigarette and checked in.
Chuck removed his bright - (12) - Gucci sunglasses, revealing a pair of bright - (13) - Oakleys, and looked the kid up and down. Chuck then pulled a VHS tape out of his handbag with the recruit's name on it and smashed it with a - (14) -. He then picked up the pieces of the tape and chewed them up in his mouth. The room was silent for - (15) - straight seconds. Finally Chuck spoke. "What do you say, kid?"
The recruit answered cautiously but with conviction. "Coach Amato, I'd rather play women's - (16) - in the darkest recesses of - (17) - than play football for you."
That evening, Chuck returned to Jimbo's office with the bad news. "I guess I screwed up," he confessed.
"No Chuck," said Jimbo, "I would say that - (18) - screwed up. What you do everyday at your job is a crime against humanity. If the subscribers at - (19) - had any idea what you do here, you'd be the most hated coach at FSU since - (20) -."
With that, Chuck stormed out of Jimbo's office and announced that he was taking the Head-Coach-In-Waiting job at - (21) -. FSU fans across the nation rejoiced as finally Chuck had attained their dream job for him! But alas, it turned out T.K. Wetherell had written the contract - Chuck had no chance of becoming head coach until at the earliest - (22) -. By then, Bobby Bowden would have only two more decades to beat Joe Paterno's record. Even at failure, Chuck Amato had failed.
"I think instead of The Chest, people should start calling me The - (23) -," Amato said in his farewell speech to FSU. And then he left the stage. And never came back.