Don't ask me how I got my hands on this (does anyone have any Scope?) but I was able to get a copy of the script our defensive coaches plan on using to bring that extra special fire to the Spring Game tomorrow night.
Tommorrow night's speech is going to go down as one of the greatest of all time...
It might even top this one that stirred the hearts of Seminole fans everywhere last season.
I'll set the stage for you. It's 6:52pm tomorrow night and the offense and defense have gathered on opposing sidelines for some last minute instructions before the biggest war Doak Campbell Stadium has ever seen in the month of April. Mickey gathers his troops together for a few final words of wisdom...
Mickey: chew chew chew spit Play hard. spit chew spit We're going to put you in positions to make plays because we are so good. Our gameplan is flawless. We put you on the field, and you make plays. We can't lose with that strategy. spit So why have we been getting beat so bad in these practices? Because you're just not making the plays.
Mickey: cuss spit chew spit Ok look at this white board. See how there's 11 Os and 11 Xs? Well, the 11 Os are the offense and you are the 11 Xs. We've put one X on the board for every O. It's perfect!! Now you just need to go make plays. spit
Chuck: You guys have got to play with intensity out there. Nigel... PUT DOWN THE SANDWICH!!
Beast Mode: But I'm so hungry, coach. I mean, Sally Struthers just showed up and tried to give me a dollar. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THAT IS!!
Mickey: You mean recruits these days don't understand references from the early 1980s? Weird. Anyway, Chucky Sweet-Boobs over here is right. You need some intensity. You lollygag after running backs who gash us for 80 yards, you lollygag after wide open receivers, you lollygag off the field after the offense scores another touchdown. You know what that makes you?
Odell: Coach, I'm pretty sure none of our guys are familiar with the movie Bull Durham.
Mickey: cuss What?! You don't say. spit spit chew Well I thought it was a good movie. Woulda been better if Hedy Lamarr had been in it though, that dame was a real looker.
Beast Mode: We don't know who that is either, Coach.
Mickey: Son of a.... Well I guess that explains why you boys aren't grasping our defensive principles yet. We've done all we can do, boys. Chucky watched over 17 thousand hours of film from the last two practices... Chuck I've been meaning to ask you, those practices were only three hours apiece...
Chuck: Umm... I watched them a lot of times. I totally didn't go shopping.
Mickey: Nevermind that. Jody has been working so hard... look at him... he's fallen asleep. So peaceful... Be quiet boys, Jody's tired. We wouldn't want to WAKE HIM UP TO DO HIS FREAKING JOB. spit
Jody: zzzzzz........ Wha? I'm here! I'm coaching! Watch me coach. Hey defensive ends.... I want you to go out there and.... errr...umm.... defend the end.
Odell: That's what she said.
Mickey: What who said? Mae West sure could throw out some great one-liners in her day... and that Katherine Hepburn was a firecracker. Anyway, here's what we're gonna do. When the offense is throwing it, I want you to go out there and stop them from throwing it. When they are running it, stop them from running it. When you're getting blocked, you have to make your man stop blocking you. And when you see that they are running something with more than 2 wide receivers and most of their players are wide open, you have to be faster than what you normally are.
Chuck: It's as simple as that.
Mickey: Simple as that. chew spit cuss Alright Thacker, get in here and do your thing.
Budd: ON YOUR FEET!!! Hands in the circle, guys. Our new motto on three.
Defense: 1-2-3 Don't get embarrassed!