Guess who's back. Back again. MattD's back. Tell a friend.
From what I gather, there seems to be some money in these here interwebz, and I'm looking to cash in. That is why today, June 12th, 2009, I announce my intention to start a premium content wing of TomahawkNation.
Yes, that's right. Starting today you will be able to get all your regular MattDNole content, plus some super secret info not available anywhere else. And all for just $9.95 for the first 6 months, then $17.95 for each additional month.
Follow the jump (for those of you Uncensored mentioned who don't know how to "follow the jump"... see below where it says "Continue reading this post"? Well, novel concept. If you click that, you can CONTINUE READING THIS POST. Glad we got that cleared up.) to see what kind of unlimited access your cash can get you.
MattDNole's Premium service will be your premiere source for MattDNole content. Here are just a few of the wonderful benefits of being a MattDNole subscriber:
- Unlimited access to fake interviews with all your favorite Nole personalities. What's Gene Deckerhoff like when he's actually sober? MattDNole's Premium Content will feature a very personal, one-on-one fake interview with the voice of the Noles himself. What does Randy Spetman do while TK Wetherell is doing his job? We'll fake spend the day with the nominal Athletic Director to find out.
- Detailed rules of the Mike Martin drinking game, the Mickey Andrews drinking game, the William Floyd drinking game, and the Male Twirler Shawn Wimberly drinking game.
- Fake calendars for all your favorite coaches. Why is every Thursday a "mental health day" for Chuck Amato and why does the Victoria's Secret at Governor's Square Mall get such increased business on those days? Why won't Bobby Bowden plan anything more than 2.5 days in advance? Will he ever buy green bananas (B-A-N-A-N-A-S)?
- Special Guest Commentary from all your favorite TomahawkNation writers. Uncensored will stop by with some more Off-Season Workout Mad Libs. TrueCubbie will breakdown the funny bone, and teach a neat new song to remember which bones are connected to what. StateofMind will let us know how the Florida State University Circus's recruiting efforts are going. The whole gang is here.
- Complete access to the MattDNole archives. Here you can see all the MattDNole classics. Remember the epic Spring Pregame speech? How about Chuck Amato's new contract? You can read them all one more time with MattDNole's Premium Content.
- The most blatant, self-serving, subscription-generating headlines you can possibly imagine. Forget "McDaniel has decision to make." Here are just some sample headlines for stories that YOU can access through a subscription to MattDNole's Premium Content. "Nigel Bradham Abducted By Aliens?" "Dustin Hopkins to Quit Football and Return to the Shire?" "Justin Bright Number 4 on Mel Kiper's Freshmen Watch List?" "Christian Ponder Given 4 Million Dollars by Nigerian Prince?"
So there it is, loyal readers. MattDNole's Premium Content. Only $9.95 for the first 6 months and $17.95 for each additional month.
Have a credit card ready, and CLICK HERE for a free 7 day trial.
8:33 AM UPDATE- For a limited time, we will be giving away 2 free Snuggies, a Shamwow, a MattDNole "Girls With Daddy Issues Who Will Let Fat People Talk to Them" Calendar, and a TomahawkNation.com t-shirt that has my speaking schedule and 4 Section B songs printed on the back of it with every new subscription.
9:47 AM UPDATE- Announcing the brand new MattDNole Club Gold Level Super-Premium Message Board (TM). Here you can communicate with other
suckers subscribers who know that the only way to get news you can rely on is to pay way too much for it. As an added benefit of your membership in the MattDNole Club Gold Level Super-Premium Message Board (TM), whenever anyone asks a question you are officially able to answer:
OMG!!! taht wuz talked bout on teh premium board so like 4 weeks ago
And here's the best part: It doesn't even matter if what you claim isn't true!!! They don't have a subscription so they'll never know.
MattDNole's Premium Content-- Offering you super-important information, a sense of superiority, and a chance to make internet friends since about 3 hours ago!!!
10:07 AM RECRUITING UPDATE: Super-recruit Big Leroy was just seen getting into his escalade and heading west on I-10 out of Jacksonville. We can therefore confirm that he will be visiting Florida State this weekend and will probably sign with the Noles in February.
10:10 AM RECRUITING UPDATE- Oh no!!! Big Lerory got off at exit 351 White House and is going to the Winn Dixie. He was a low character guy anyway and the Noles should be glad he isn't coming here.
10:14 AM RECRUITING UPDATE- HOLY CRAP!!! Big Leroy's car is headed toward Tallahassee again. Get excited Noles!! This is the biggest recruiting get since Lorenzo Booker!! Big Leroy seems to have changed from his former ways and says the 18 arrests are in his past. He reports a 1.2 GPA and a 385 SAT, but he plans on retaking the test and is confident he can get a qualifying score.
12:39 PM UPDATE: We can now confirm that at least 3 fake coaches (Bowden, Andrews, and Amato), 1 fake administrator, 3 sweaty moderators, and 2 chicks with questionable moral values and poor decision-making skills will be in attendance for the first annual "That's What She Said" MattDNole Premium Cook-Out and Jumping Party. Get your tickets early to be the first in line to jump in the giant inflatable Amato boob!!!