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Let The scUM Trash Talking Begin

So I'm on 595 headed to the beach when traffic gets heavy and another car slams into the back of mine. As we are exchanging insurance information I notice the other driver is wearing a "Da u" wife beater and his car has "Da u" stickers all over his bumper. I know he can tell I'm a Seminole from my FSU tag, so I said to him, "I noticed you're a cane and since our schools have fought for years I think this is a great time for us to put an end to all the hatred and pettiness.  I have a cooler full of cold beer, so how about shotgunning a beer in the name of our friendly rivalry?"  He says "duh OK," so I hand him a beer and he shotguns it.  I hand him another and he shotguns it also. Then he turns to me and ask "Aren't you going to do one too." So I said to him "Nah, I'm going to wait until after the trooper leaves as I pointed to the FHP car pulling up right behind him."

Two years ago there was a car full of cane fans driving up to Tallahassee and they arrived late to the game because they passed a sign on the highway that said "Clean Restrooms," and out of habit, they did.

Q:  What do UM recruits usually get on their SAT's?

A:  Drool

So I walk into a bar in Coral Gables and I ask the bartender if he wants to hear a joke about those dumbasses at UM.  The bartender says, "I've watched every UM game since I was 10 years old.  Those 2 bouncers played football for UM, and those 4 guys at that table are on UM's defensive line. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"  I answered, "Hell no, I don't have time to explain it seven times."

Q:  How do you get a UM grad off your front porch?

A:  Pay him for the pizza.

If you see 3 UM football players in the backseat of a car, who is driving?  The policeman.

Q:  Why did the UM grad get fired from his quality control job at the M&M factory?

A:  He kept throwing out all the one's with the W on them.

Did you hear the Donna Shalala has asked the Dolphins to switch to artificial turf in Sun Life Stadium for next season to stop the UM cheerleaders from grazing at halftime?

Did you hear the news that the office where they store the UM's football team text books burned down?  Al Golden was distraught and quoted as saying "It's a shame because half the books hadn't been colored in yet."

Q:  What do you get when you put 20 UM fans in one room?

A:  A full set of teeth.

Did you know that they don't have any ice in the UM student cafeteria?  Apparently, the only one who knew the recipe graduated.

Q:  How do you get a UM cheerleader into your dorm room?

A:  Grease her hips and push.

Q:  What do you call a drug ring on the UM campus?  

A:  The huddle.

Q:  Why aren't the UM football players allowed to form a huddle any longer?

A:  Their parole officers don't want them associating with known felons.

How do you get to Miami from Tallahassee?  Go south until you smell it and east until you step in it.

Al Golden forced the entire UM football team to take a remedial English class.  During the first class the professor asked the class, "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence? All of the players raised their hands and yelled out with pride, "The Appeal."

Q:  How many UM freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  None. That's a sophomore course.

Q:  What's the difference between a UM cheerleader and an elephant?

A:  About 50 pounds.

Q:  How do you make up the difference?

A:  Force feed the elephant.

Q:  What do you call an intelligent sports fan in Sun Life Stadium during a UM football game?

A:   A visitor.

Q:  What does the average FSU fan have in common with the average UM fan?

A:  Neither of them went to UM.

Jacory Harris failed too many classes so they weren't going to let him play against VT last year in Miami.  Shalala decided that if he passed the exam for his remedial math class on his second try, he could play. He would take the 3 question exam orally during the warm up before the game in front of the 35,000 UM fans.  The first question was "how many fingers am I holding up?"  The crowd cheered as Jacory answered correctly.  The second question, "What is the number on your jersey?"  The crowd goes wild as Jacory again answers correctly.  When Jacory answered the third question, "What is two plus two?", with "Four," the crowd booed and chanted "One more chance! One more chance!"

A flight attendant is taking the drink cart down the aisle and says to one gentleman, "Oh, You must be an FSU alum?" 
The man says "Why yes, how did you know?"
The FA says, "Just the successful way you carry yourself, and your good manners."
As the FA moves down the aisle, she says to another man, "Oh, are you a UM alumni?"
The second man, sensing a line says, "Yes, I am, how could you tell?"
The FA says, "I just saw your class ring as you were picking your nose."

A little boy and his mother were walking through a Miami cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read: "Here lies a UM graduate and a good man."

The little boy asked his mother, "Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?"

Stephen Hawking was at a dinner party talking to the guests. A young man came up and started talking to him. Dr Hawking asked what his IQ was, he replied 180. Dr. Hawking was excited and started talking to him about a new theory about matter disappearing in black holes and then said, "How bout dem Noles."

A young woman walked up to him and he asked her what her IQ was. She replied 120. He said wonderful, "What do you think about the current U.S. administration and the affect it's having on the relations between Christians and Muslims, and then he said, How bout dem Noles?" 

At the end of the party a young man came up excited to meet Dr. Hawking. Hawking asked his IQ and he replied 70. Dr Hawking exclaimed, "It's all about DA U!"

Your turn, whatcha got for me?

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