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Rewriting History - Scott and Swofford Change Everything


The college football playoff proposal has been approved. While many of the details have yet to be announced (who and how many will comprise the selection committee and how the revenue be distributed are the most outstanding), college football fans across the country feel a sense of victory. They moaned and groaned until the conference commissioners finally gave in. While the commissioners deserve credit for being able to successfully negotiate and draft the proposal, two of those men deserve more credit than their peers. Two of those commissioners were dynamic, progressive, and aggresive and created a landscape condusive to such a monumental change. The actions of Pac-16 commissioner Larry Scott and ACC commissioner John Swofford changed history.

Scott became commissioner of the Pac-10 on July 1, 2009 and immediately looked to make it the strongest conference in America. It didn't take him long to find an amazing opportunity to transform the Pac-10 into a behemoth.

"When I took over in 2009, I wanted to expand our conference. I wasn't looking at any specific programs but a few quickly jumped out. Utah was a good fit for us competitively and geographically. I assumed finding one more program would be a long, arduous process until Dan Beebe revealed himself to be a complete idiot with a capital @!#$ing I," said Scott.

Dan Beebe is the former and final commissioner of the defunct Big 12. History will remember him either as the man who killed the Big 12 or the man who stood idly by and watched it die.

"Imagine looking for $20 you dropped in the park and finding $1000 instead. Now, that grand belongs to someone else but he doesn't really want it. What's worse is he doesn't even realize it $1000! He only saw the bill on top of the wad and never bothered to count it all. That's what this was like. I was looking at BYU. Yeah, that BYU! The never play on Sunday guys! To say I was happy when Mr. Dodds informed me Texas was not only interested in realignment but also wanted to bring some friends with them would be a gross understatement. As gross as watching the inevitable brawl between the Cal and BYU fans. Tree huggers can get pretty rowdy," explained Scott.

The Dodds Mr. Scott is referencing would be the athletic director at the University of Texas, DeLoss Dodds.

"I called Larry and told him Texas was interested in conference realignment," recalled Dodds. "I was sick of Nebraska and Texas A&M bitching about not being Texas. It's not my fault they weren't born Horns. I thought Larry was going to stroke out when I told him Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Colorado, and Texas Tech would follow us. I initially thought it was because he didn't want Texas Tech. Can you blame him? They let a clown run off the best coach they've ever had. Larry knew he had to take them though. What are you gonna do? Kill 5 hookers?"

The only source of contention, the Longhorn Network, turned out to be anything but.

"Larry didn't mind our network", said Dodds. "He knows you don't mess with Texas. Also, I'm sure the brisket I sent him didn't hurt."

"Mr. Dodds is a very intelligent and savvy businessman. He also knows his barbecue. I didn't even need any sauce on that meat! It was as if it was grilled by Myron Mixon!"

As the news began to leak that the Pac-10 was about to become the Pac-16, ACC commish John Swofford was on the opposite coast exeucting a plan that began in 2003.

"I learned one very important thing in 1997 when I became ACC commissioner. Football is king. To advance ACC athletics, I needed to ensure our football programs were emphasized," said Swofford. "Our number one program was Florida State. It wasn't even close. It would've been easy to sit back and get fat off the attention, credibility, and cash FSU brought our conference but no commish worth his salt would do that. Listen. I was not going to sit around and watch the SEC continue to dominate the sport. I'm sick of those guys. Slive was always teasing me about having FSU and a bunch or nobodies. That's why we added Miami and Virginia Tech. When FSU and Miami went down and VT proved it really couldn't beat anyone with a pulse out of conference, Slive started up again. He was always sending me pics of himself dry humping the crystal trophy. That $#!+ is disturbing! I had to do something that would solidify the ACC as the premier conference in America. When I heard about Scotty flirting with Texas and Oklahoma, I knew $#!+ was about to get real. Luckily, I had a plan."

That plan was grand. Swofford quickly added West Virginia and Louisville to the ACC. Florida State Head Coach Jimbo Fisher certainly approves of the job Swofford is doing.

"CommissionerSwoffordhasbeengreatforushereintheACC," proclaimed Fisher. "Justlookatexpansion. Hebouncedaround,addedsometeams. Reallyputapremiumontheprocess. Helistens. That'sthesignofagreatleader. He'sensuredwehavethebestofficialsinthecountryandbroughtstabilitytoourschedules. We'reluckytohavehim."

"I don't make these type of decisions with basketball in mind," recalled Swofford. "It's nice that those schools have good basketball programs, and that certainly pleases Tobacco Road, but football pays the bills. They certainly add value to our conference on and off the field but I wasn't done. I wanted more."

While fans were focused on playoff talks, John Swofford added Notre Dame and Pittsburgh to the ACC. That's Notre Dame in all sports in case you were wondering.

"Notre Dame was a no brainer," proclaimed Swofford. "Why would I add Boston College? Doug Flutie wasn't walking through that door! I knew they weren't going to bring us the Boston TV market. It was all part of my plan to lure the Irish. We had FSU and Miami which have a history with Notre Dame. We had BC. We added Pitt. Notre Dame is at home in the ACC."

Is Mr. Swofford concerned over the decimation of the Big East as legit a football conference.

!@#$ the Big East! That's how I feel about it," screamed Swofford. "This isn't a business for the weak! You got to know the difference between guns and butter. Basically the stuff that appreciates with value and the stuff that loses value over time. The Big East didn't understand that so they're past tense."

So is the college football world we once knew.

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