A little over a year ago I was introduced to two blogs that would eventually change my life. One was Tomahawk Nation. The other was firejoemorgan.com. FJM was a collection of professional tv writers who happened to be huge baseball fans, familiar with sabermetrics, and tired of the idiocy that defined much of professional sports journalism.
Sadly for us, they all became very successful in their, you know, "jobs". KenTremendous is the creator of NBC's Parks and Recreation, and each of the other writers have moved on in the entertainment business.
Frequent readers of Deadspin will remember the FJM reunion a few weeks ago when the guys returned for a day to be guest editors. You can go to the FJM blog or check out the Deadspin archives to get a feel for what's about to happen.
In honor of the FJM team, and since it is Boston College week, I thought we would have some fun by giving Coach Bowden the FJM treatment....
(PS- Thanks to SWFLNole for the idea!!!)
Bobby Bowden Pregame Speech (via gatormarc99)
"Defense play with a lot of confidence, with enthusiasm, and with togetherness."
And you know, speed, intelligence, and talent.
Seriously though. I think it is remarkable that the three things that are necessary to play solid defense on national television are the same three things that won my dance troupe the silver medal at the Grace Baptist Church summer camp of 1999 (We were robbed of the gold, the Pentecostals cheated.)
Following this game, Coach would blame the lack of "togetherness" for the loss. For the next week he made the defense wear friendship bracelets.
"BC comes to our house to take away what you and I want."
BC is coming to take away your naps, metamusil, and Matlock reruns? Those heartless bastards.
"They come right down here to our house… to take it away… you know? So you… you’re out there with a… "
This message brought to you by Foghorn Leghorn, the letter UHHH, and the number 16 (as in Coach Bowden is 16 wins behind JoePa).
Side note: If the Count on Sesame Street were going to wish Coach a Happy Birthday, at what point would he quit, carve "Brooks was here" into a wall. and hang himself?
"You gotta fight. Ya know? You gotta fight, and I know you will. I know you’re gonna fight tonight."
Heads up, Coach. When Chuck, Jody, Jimbo, and Dex are in the same room, DON'T SAY THE WORD FIGHT!!!
First rule of Coach Fight Club: You do not talk about Coach Fight Club.
PS- For the purposes of this joke, the role of Chuck Amato's breasts will be played by Meatloaf. His name was Chuck Amato. His name was Chuck Amato. His name was...
"It’s gonna be execution. Execution."
So fresh and so clean. Clean. Outkast doesn't have the market on repetition cornered.
Maybe we've discovered the reason why Chuck wears those Bret Hart sunglasses. Bret was "The Excellence of Execution." It's all making sense now.
...
...
Wait... this speech and Chuck Amato's continued employment are making sense to me? Does this mean I'm about to die? I'm so freaking scared right now.
"Quarterback just making good handoffs."
If you look up the definition of a quarterback in the 1913 Walter Camp official manual it says "the right honorable gentleman who is charged with turning around and handing the ball to the speedy player behind him. see also: twirly-ma-jigger."
We were gonna buy coach an updated rules book, but it was late, we'd been eating a lot of Hungry Howie's and playing Madden, we only had a little bit of cash, and those freaking Snuggies commercials are just so convincing...
"Backs taking… taking the ball."
It seems Coach had some other idea of what the backs were supposed to take. My thoughts as to what the original statement read?
Backs taking... a bathroom break in Renegade's stall.
Backs taking... this job and shoving it.
Backs taking... a really long time to finish recruiting on their NCAA 08 dynasty.
Backs taking... something they got from Preston Parker.
I think we can all agree that "the ball" was the best option.
"Receivers catching the ball. Not worrying about where they’re going to run. Not worried about who's coming. Just making the doggone catch like you’re capable of doing."
Yeah... it's a great idea to tell Preston about those men coming to get him. As if he weren't paranoid enough already.
I wonder if Coach practiced this speech in front of a mirror beforehand. If he did, I bet his reflection fell asleep too.
Coach actually said "Candyman" into a mirror 3 times once. It made the Candyman cry. Apparently Candyman used to be a huge Charlie Ward fan.
" …. Who… who’s… Some of you gonna get opportunities tonight."
I say... I say... I say... are you ready for some football?
"Like we mentioned last night, some of you gon’ get an opportunity to show the nation what you can do."
"Everette I hope you have your trumpet ready. And Christian are you wearing your tap shoes? This is the biggest talent show yet!!! We might just save the theater after all."
After watching that game, I haven't seen lamer "abilities" demonstrated on national television since the second season of Heroes. My favorite one was when Darius McClure showed the world how he could tear his ACL by celebrating. That was a real talent.
"Boy, you can’t ask for better than that, can ya?"
Actually, I can ask for a lot better than that, but 8 years of begging have caused me to realize that I won't get it no matter how hard I ask.