After an epic comeback last week, FSU returned home to the cozy scorching confines of Doak Campbell Stadium to face familiar FCS opponent Chuck Southern on the NCAA’s version of a Power Play. With a resounding 52-8 victory, absolutely nothing terrible happened during the contest.
The brand new Champions Club opened to rave reviews, especially during such a warm September afternoon. And nobody decided to stop drinking after halftime and rest their livers, because the odds of something bad happening in the second half were extremely low.
Jimbo’s Monday morning press conference gave us all a good laugh. “Jimbo, why would you wear all black to a presser?! All black is appropriate to wear after something horrible happens, and we all know nothing bad happened on Saturday.”
- Hey, coach. I was reading this week’s practice reports. Just kidding. There are no practice reports. Better?
- Jimbo, who will imitate Lamar Jackson on the scout team this week? Follow-up question: Why isn’t that scout team player also at least our fourth best scholarship receiver by the transitive property?
- We last visited Louisville two years ago, and ESPN portrayed you as the more hedonistic immoral head coach in the matchup— have you stopped laughing since?
10-gallon hats off to Florida State University and Seminole Boosters for the spectacular debut of their 5,800 seat Champions Club. Despite their insane build-out time frame, combined with a hurricane striking literally the day of pre-planned inspections, the “pardon our dust” factor was almost irrelevant. Food was excellent and available, bar space was abundant, drinks were reasonably priced, and that air conditioning....oh, that sweet, sweet air conditioning. Though dubbed a work in progress, the Champions Club started off with more momentum than Chad Kelly’s offense in Orlando.
Since we’ve clearly established that nothing horrible happened during the game, I’ll turn the anger cannons toward the traffic patterns surrounding Doak S. Campbell. The author arrived early for the sparse tailgating festivities without incident, but heard many horror stories from Johnny Come Tailgate Too Lately’s. I’ll consider it unverified for now. But here’s your red meat, wolves. Have at it!
Plenty of folks complaining about the noon kickoff barrage to start the season. Nobody wants to lose 7 pounds of water weight during a spectator sport, but the Cardinals fan base shall take their turn sitting atop the oven at Papa John’s Stadium. Goodbye drinking all afternoon, Hello mitigated crowd noise.
Last Friday, the Louisville team had the benefit of an evening kickoff in upstate New York...except their on-field cramping became a headline. In easily the most ironically named venue in North America, the Carrier Dome, both teams battled the indoor heat & humidity.
On Monday it was announced that the FSU-USF matchup on September 24th is yet another death-defying Florida noon start. Advantage: Nobody.
A quick glance at Saturday’s box score reveals “only” three total tackles vs. Charleston Southern, but that’s because you don’t understand Mythew Thomas. Mythew Thomas picks on people his own size. And he’s got a soft spot for suspended players. Let’s listen in for more whispers out on the range:
Dan Kendra was nice enough to check in with us via pay phone this week, and we asked about his top takeaway from Saturday:
NO COMMENT! THAT’S RIGHT, NO COMMENT. I’M NOT GOING TO VALIDATE HORRIBLE THINGS THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN. WHY WOULD I? PEOPLE WILL SPEND THE NEXT 20 YEARS ARGUING ABOUT FREAK INCIDENTS THAT HAPPENED DURING INTENSE & NECESSARY REPETITIONS, QUESTIONING WHETHER THE NECESSARY REPETITIONS WERE ACTUALLY NECESSARY, AND OF COURSE THEY WERE NECESSARY. PEOPLE NEED TO SPEND LESS TIME QUESTIONING THE RANDOM INFLUENCE OF LUCK IN LIFE, AND MORE TIME DOWN AT THEIR LOCAL GENERAL NUTRITION CENTER STOCKING UP ON GLUCOSAMINE CHONDROITIN PILLS, MAGNESIUM, AND OBVIOUSLY SHARK CARTILAGE. NOW I HAVE TO GO, BYE.
Okay, we’re all hooked. Stop fighting it. Starting in 2017, every Seminole fall will be officially known as “A Season Without.” After 60 minutes, I already feel closer to Jimbo Fisher than I felt to Michael Landon in “Little House on the Prairie”...and it’s not even close!
Editor’s Note: It seems like Charles Kelly’s birthday party was awfully late in the evening for a summer week night. You don’t think they shuffled all the major players through his house one at a time for future profile footage? We never did see where all the cake and chicken wings went. I’M JUST SAYIN’.
When you think of late 1990s FSU receivers, the name Peter Warrick comes to mind. But any true ‘Nole fan will end that same breath with two words: Ron Dugans. The Tallahassee product and future NFL Bengal played a vital role in some of Florida State’s most potent aerial attacks.
Whether it was the reverse Peter Warrick pass in the UF “Rooster Game”, or in the wire-to-wire Sugar Bowl victory over Virginia Tech, Dugans made his touchdowns memorable ones. At 6’2” and 205 pounds, the man who wore #80 played his position with deceptive speed. Almost as deceptive as the programmers of modern gas station pump machines. “Would you like a receipt? ‘Yes - No’....Would you like a car wash today? ‘No - Yes’.
Did you see what they just did? They flip-flopped the order of Yes & No the second go around. Nothing like playing a technical shell game at the actual Shell Station. My personal favorite is when the No key is blue...and the Yes key is red! Red means yes. And once you’ve accidentally fallen for their car wash trap (particularly devilish during rainy days), you might have to go inside so the clerk can correct the charge. Have fun waiting behind Lottery scratch-off contestants for your chance to speak with the helpful proprietor.
The record-profit oil companies will stop at nothing to slip these charges past you, much like Ron Dugans slipping past the Gators secondary. Ron Dugans...Bonafide Seminole Legend.
With weekend forecasts predicting rain in Louisville, Kentucky, the mind tends to wander to a water-logged game vs. the Cardinals in 2002. Do you remember? The Cardinals knocked off the Jeff Bowden Seminoles 26-20 in overtime. Despite leading throughout most of the miserable evening, the Jeff Bowden-led squad faltered late, eventually losing a Jeff Bowden quarterbacked turnover in overtime before the walk-off Louisville touchdown.
Things are different now. Florida State does not falter late. Florida State falters early. And often. It will happen again. In boxing terms, FSU is a counter puncher with a seven-second broadcast delay.
The Seminoles will find themselves in a huge hole Saturday afternoon. The key is when you’re down, don’t compound the issue by straying from game plans. Don’t cheat. No shortcuts. You’ll find yourself surrounded by misery and Papa Johns.
Happy bird hunting, everyone.