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The K-Man Crow’s Nest: Ole Miss Afterglow

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Unconquered...and unverified. You’re in the Nest.

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports Ryan Izzo

Greatest comeback ever? That’s what FSU’s thrilling 45-34 Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde victory over Ole Miss is being called. Here in the Crow’s Nest, we don’t know about greatest comeback (Cough, 31-31), but certainly it was the QUICKEST comeback ever. At one point, a 33-0 scoring run deemed too absurd for the original Teen Wolf script. Orlando was rocking from start to finish, as this was a de facto home game for the well-served Seminole fan base. Now I’m not saying Monday night’s showdown was a drunken slop fest, but a pre-game moment of silence isn’t supposed to be hundreds of adults trying — and failing — to shush their loud friends. For more fun facts like that, let’s climb into the Crow’s Nest for week two:

  1. Helluva game last night, coach. Does LSU’s Athletic Department have a dedicated hot line for you? Similar to Geico, allowing Jimmy Sexton to call for contract quotes within 60 seconds.
  2. Are the post-game handshakes with SEC head coaches different than the ACC? Seems like David Cutcliffe is the only ACC coach with SEC speed.
  3. I can’t fault an entrepreneur. Before taxes, how much did Showtime pay you to be trailing at the half Monday night?

Many expected Freshman Jitters from our true freshman kicker tandem. Perhaps a couple cases of “the yips.” What did we get instead? A two-headed hybrid monster golf Mega Kicker.

Need to bomb it down the fairway? Prefer a southpaw? We’ve got the Bubba Watson equivalent in Logan Tyler. 11 kickoffs. Seven touchbacks. Four returned (three to the 20 yard line or worse, one to the 24). Stan Wilcox should be receiving an NCAA invoice for all the footballs Tyler disfigured on kickoffs.

Need a clutch chip shot from the rough that rolls three feet from the pin? Introducing Ricky Aguayo, aka Fred Funk. A school record six field goals and 9-for-9 on kicks in his debut? This kid’s short game is aces around the flag stick. I don’t think Aguayo has an accent, but if he did, you can imagine him saying “We don’t need no stinkin’ follow through.”

On a night Paul Azinger was honored at halftime, we’re tickled to have Bubba Funk on our Ryder Cup team.


And as observed and prognosticated back in April, Camping World Stadium is a total, total disaster. Here are the key gripes:

A) Never seen a venue with seating sections so poorly marked. The section numbers are simply NOT LISTED when walking through the concourse. In many cases, the only demarcation were 16”x 16” signs with 8” lettering about knee-level. In a world where half the people walk around staring down at smart phones, pre-kickoff in the Citrus Bowl was an additional 30% of people staring down at their tickets, “Where is my section?”

No sections listed within easy sight. Green sign is beer prices. Find your seats, suckers!
“No, your seats are way the F over there. Apologies for the canned response” - Stadium Usher

2) Exiting the game was a soccer stadium stampede tragedy waiting to happen. Woefully inadequate stairs and corridors for the tens of thousands attempting to leave at once. During the main concourse post-game, I witnessed people trying to get outside of the crowd slowly funneling toward stairs, only to find themselves trapped behind the vending carts along the outside railing. Soccer gonna soccer.

Could have been a 30-second exposure photo. Nobody moving.

D) Camping World Stadium: 65,000 of your closest friends in a perpetual queue.

Arriving inside the stadium an hour before kickoff, walking around the concourses, I found each bathroom with lines far out the door. Men’s bathrooms, mind you. Every food vendor was queued. The bathrooms were queued long after the final whistle. Queue, queue, queue. I was unable to corroborate the Club-level conditions at the time of writing, but I imagine the Club-goers laughing with brie crumbles in corners of their mouths at the Underling queues from hell. I imagine this venue is perfectly outfitted and designed for high school championship games.

Possible conversation overhead in 3rd quarter: “I’m going on a beer & pretzel run. Let me know what happened during both our scores when I get back”


“Is player X going to start at center? Who will our guards be? This is crucial!”

Welp, the names on the backs of FSU’s offensive line jerseys didn’t matter much. The main issue was that all five players’ shoelaces were tied together. More false starts and holds than you’d like in an entire month. Yet our offense scored on 10 drives. Dalvin Cook put up almost 200 yards of offense despite the trench meltdown. Francois ran for his life/put up almost record-setting debut numbers. When the other 5/11ths of the offense wakes up, look out.


You heard that? The jingle jangle down the dusty trail? That was Mythew Thomas, making his long awaited arrival in Solo Tackle Springs, Florida. We’ll forgive a few rusty coverage assignments, as Mythew punished Chad Kelly & Company with jaw-dropping open field encounters. Let’s hear the whispers out on the plain:


Showtime: A Season With - Week One Recap

QB battles, hurricane warnings, fatherly advice, community service acts of kindness. Week one had it all. This series is absolutely must-watch for a serious Seminole football fan. Many folks are focused on the skirmish between Derwin James and Bobo Wilson in practice. While physical altercations are serious matters, we here at the Crow’s Nest understand the more serious conflicts affecting work places:

Passive aggression. Like when a colleague “intentionally unintentionally” takes your office chair, or in this case, sits in YOUR locker. The episodes are only 30 minutes, so we don’t know the full story, but something is clearly brewing between running backs #7 Ryan Green and #26 Jonathan Vickers. Like any decent boss or HR director, Jimbo Fisher must squash this beef before it spills over to other areas.

“God as my witness, next week Ryan will find more Post-It notes on his stuff than he bargained for” - J. Vickers

This week, we asked our good friend Dan Kendra about the Auburn debut of James Franklin, since Dan’s experience as a super mobile quarterback provides excellent insight:

I DIDN’T SEE HIM THROW ANY FOOTBALLS. WHY DIDN’T HE THROW ANY FOOTBALLS? THE CLEMSON TIGERS HAD TO RESPECT HIS SPEED, AND THE REASON HE’S SO DAMN FAST IS BECAUSE OF HIS IMPECCABLE MASS CUTTING SUCCESS. JOHN FRANKLIN USED TO PLAY FOR FLORIDA STATE...AND HIS NAME USED TO BE HENRY ORELUS.

LOSING 85 POUNDS IS NOT EASY. I ONCE CHANGED MY NAME AND LOST 85 POUNDS FOR A WRESTLING GIG IN ALLENTOWN. CONGRATULATIONS, JOHN FRANKLIN. THE NCAA DOES NOT TEST FOR RIPPED FUEL OR HYDROXYCUT, AND YOUR GENERAL NUTRITION CENTER STACK MADE ME PROUD TO WATCH YOU SATURDAY NIGHT. -DK


Unsung heroes. That’s the making of a true legend. An hour’s drive west of Tallahassee is Marianna, Florida. Home of Bonafide Seminole Legend, #90 Greg Spires. Linebacker, Nose Guard, Defensive End...Greg did it all for Mickey Andrews’ swarming defenses. Spires’ exploits make Christian Jones look monolithic.

The “echo of the whistle” Noles D terrorized opposing QB’s like never before or since.

Greg parlayed his college exploits into a meandering NFL career with several teams. But he eventually become a cornerstone of one of the league’s most dominating defenses, the Monte Kiffen-era Tampa Bucs, winning an improbable Super Bowl for the previously anemic franchise in 2002. Speaking of improbable, there’s nothing coincidental about how many thousands of times Don Henley’s “Boys of Summer” plays on Muzak throughout every major retail business in the Western Hemisphere.

How can everybody know every lyric to a song they’ve never actively sought out to play? You don’t know the song name, yet you can Google 100% of the verses based on memory. This has to be part of a big-government brain-washing conspiracy. “Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac”? None of the Cadillacs in my semi-gated community feature jam band advertisements, much less bumper stickers of any variety, and that includes Salt Life. Cadillacs with Deadhead stickers sounds like something a non-terrestrial creature would imagine for our society. “Your brown skin shining in the sun”? I’ve seen the women Don Henley messes with, and none of them scream “ethnic” or “at risk for early melanoma screening due to UV exposure.” Have you actually seen Stevie Nicks? She’s not a fan of outdoor adventure sports, yard work, or tube-top apparel. Next time you’re in line at CVS humming about nobody on the road or nobody on the beach, that’s an easy reminder of big government controlling your brain patterns. Much like the line of scrimmage being controlled by versatile, humble athletes. Greg Spires...a Bonafide Seminole Legend.


Week Two: Charleston Southern University

In a search for famous alumni, the biggest name unearthed was Bobby Parnell, a flame-throwing MLB middle reliever recently designated for assignment. In lieu of material, we’ll celebrate the 5th anniversary of our victory over winless Charleston Southern on 9/10/2011.

“Why am I here?”

On that date, Clint Trickett put up a mini Deshaun Watson stat line in the second half, and freshman James Wilder, Jr. bowled over exhausted Buccaneer defenders without conscience. It deserved shouts of “WORLD STAR!” from the stands. The 2016 version of Charleston Southern will be dramatically improved, but so are the Seminoles.

meme credit: a friend not named Jason

Short weeks are terrible for everyone except needy fans like us.

Enjoy Doak, everyone.

-K-Man