Eyes on the Enemy: Reporting on FSU’s rivals

Welcome! This is another normal, totally typical week for Florida State football and its rivals. Absolutely nothing of importance is going on within the next seven days, in no way, shape or form, definitely not a decades-old rivalry with deep-seeded hatred built upon years of intense games, close calls and a familiarity between players bred for years of intrastate competition.

Nope, nothing cool or exciting at all!

Clemson

Apparently, the Tigers read this column, and almost fully accepted my rationale that losing to Syracuse carried no shame.

The Orange, who again, are a terrifying team and are practically an honor to lose to, played Clemson close, just as they had the year prior. And just like the year before, Clemson’s starting quarterback left the game with an injury, a subplot made richer with the departure of Kelly “I’m Just Good Enough For My Team to Contend for a Championship But Definitely Nowhere Near Talented to Win One” Bryant.

Clemson’s freshman savior Trevor Lawrence, professional impersonator of Def Leppard’s Joe Elliot, took a scary hit in the second quarter and crumpled. Fortunately, the long-haired phenom seems to be okay, as he’s expected to start vs. Wake Forest on Saturday.

Lawrence, hyped as the ACC’s best thrower outside of NC State’s Ryan Finley, actually looked vulnerable against ‘Cuse, fumbling a handoff and leading only one scoring drive before his departure.

Clemson still, by all means, should be the favorite in the rest of its remaining games, with maybe NC State the biggest chance for a slip up, but Lawrence will probably show some freshman growing pain through these next few weeks before fully transforming into an all-powerful, sentient bunch of beautiful golden locks.

The Tigers take on Wake Forest at 3:30 p.m. on ESPN, with a spread of 19 in Clemson’s favor.

Miami

IT’S MIAMI WEEK BABY! THE HURRICANES HAVEN’T BEATEN FSU IN MIAMI SINCE SEPTEMBER 2004, WHEN I WAS 10 YEARS OLD AND STILL LOOKED LIKE THIS.

WE’LL BE PROCEEDING IN ALL-CAPS TO REFLECT THE EXCITEMENT FOR THIS WEEK, DESPITE THE FACT THAT FSU IS HILARIOUSLY ILL-EQUIPPED TO WIN ANYTHING FOOTBALL-RELATED VS. COMPETENT COMPETITION. GOOD THING MARK RICHT NEVER BLOWS EASILY WINNABLE GAMES, ESPECIALLY AGAINST RIVALS!

THE HURRICANES STARTED SLOW VS. NORTH CAROLINA LAST WEEK, BUT ENDED UP WINNING HANDILY. A 14-10 FIRST QUARTER TURNED TO A 47-10 FINAL SCORE AFTER SEVERAL APPEARANCES BY MIAMI’S TAKEAWAY NECKLACE. NEW STARTER N’KOSI PARRY DIDN’T EXACTLY WOW THE VIEWING PUBLIC, BUT WAS SERVICEABLE IN THE WAY THAT YOUR APPENDIX DOESN’T REALLY DO TOO MUCH BUT ISN’T DETRIMENTAL AS LONG AS IT STAYS OUT THE WAY.

OF COURSE, THIS WEEK, MIAMI PLAYS HOST TO FSU, HOPEFUL THAT THE SEMINOLES BEING NOT VERY “GOOD” AT “FOOTBALL” WILL HELP THEM SOMEHOW NOT COMPLETELY BLOW IT. LAST TIME FSU PLAYED IN SEMINOLE HARD ROCK, DEMARCUS WALKER RIPPED OUT THE HEARTS OF EVERY ED HARDY-WEARING TRIBAL TATTOO-CLAD FAN IN ATTENDANCE, AND THE HOPE IS THAT MORE HILARIOUS MISFORTUNE CAN OFFSET THE INABILITY OF FLORIDA STATE TO “CONSECUTIVELY HAVE SUCCESS EXECUTING BASIC FUNDAMENTALS OF THE SPORT.”

FLORIDA STATE AT MIAMI IS AT 3:30 P.M. ON ABC, AND THE SPREAD IS 13.5 IN THE HURRICANES FAVOR.

Florida

okay, that was a lot, so a brief reprieve before hopping back in. take a deep breath, and repeat after me: wooooosaaaaaa.

Dan Mullen, the weird stepfather who for sure loves talking about playing “Fordnice” and “Pokeman,” got some personal redemption last week, barely beating a team that got waxed by Kentucky the week before. Feleipe Franks put together a stat line only he could, throwing for 219 yards with a 71 percent completion rate, but also throwing a pick and failing to register a touchdown. Florida’s lone touchdown of the week came off a trick play late in the third quarter, the point where Mullen must’ve realized, “wow, this kid Frankly isn’t that good.”

(Hold your applause, I’ll be here all season people.)

The Gators have another ranked opponent to take on this week, No. 5 LSU. The two have clashed in tightly-contested, football-degrading contests over the last season, and it’ll be interesting to see how this year’s edition goes. Will Florida be embarrassed by its first actually talented and intimidating opponent this season, or will they get a win over a super-overrated squad that didn’t deserve its ranking in the first place? It’ll be exciting to find out!

Florida takes on LSU at 3:30 on CBS, and the line sits only at 2.5 in the Tiger’s favor.

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Questions? Comments? Trash talk? Leave ‘em below, and I’ll see y’all at the same time next week.