Eyes on the Enemy: Florida State football rival rundown

You would think that a historically devastating loss to a rival would humble this column at least a little bit, but you’d also think that a human being shouldn’t be eating a Cookout tray for the fourth time in five days.

I’m happily here to prove both wrong, at least until my body collapses like the trash bag it is.

Let’s get to it!

Clemson

Trevor Lawrence looks like Tilda Swinton mated with an Avatar, and Dabo Swinney doesn’t drink Capri-suns after 8 p.m. because the sugar keeps him up and he gets cranky in the morning.

That’s it.

Miami

The ibises have come home to roost in Coral Gables, with the Mark Richt effect fully enveloping the program. Richty Ticky Tave’s bungling of the Hurricanes’ quarterback situation has got the fan base in complete disarray, evidenced especially by the real-time breakdown that occurred over on State of the U’s Twitter account last Friday.

Some highlights, for your viewing pleasure:

Oh, sweet child, you had no idea what was to come.

Reminder: Rosier is starting this week against Duke.

This is my personal favorite for some many reasons (the all-caps is the cherry on top) but mainly, lmfao, holding up four fingers is a vaunted Miami tradition? I guess they came up with it at the same time as their super original, “it’s great, to be, a Miami Hurricane” chant.

That’s why I’m here! No worries.

And then, finally, the obvious, logical question to ask about a coach that put up the money for your Derek Zoolander practice field:

Truly, it was a wonderful gesture on Miami’s part to offer such comedy on Friday to provide a buffer for the weekend, and for continuing the hilarity into the week. Mark Richt truly is a compassionate man.

The Hurricanes take on Duke this Saturday at 7 p.m., with the game set to be broadcast on ESPN2. A spread of 9.5 currently sits in Miami’s favor.

Florida

Shoutout to commenter kjklong, who called the Big 3 of Florida schools going 0-3 last week, though I’m not exactly sure about the third loss, since I was unconscious from the hours of 12 p.m. to 4 p.m. last Saturday. I’m sure it was interesting!

It was wonderful to see hope dangled in front of the Gators and snagged away like a Geico commercial, who played just not terrible enough to hang close with Georgia last week until things finally broke loose. Feleipe Franks continues to serve up beautiful plates of steaming doodie, defying the odds each week to find new and exciting ways to turn the ball over.

Despite suffering its second loss of the season, Florida remains ranked 11, thanks to the fact that one loss lost to the team that they beat, and the other was to renowned football powerhouse, Kentucky. With a relatively manageable schedule the rest of the way, Year Zero of Dan “Hey Kids, Have You Heard of those JUUL Thingies? Those Are Cool Right?” Mullen will end as a success, given the fact that after going 4-7, anything really is a success. I am totally not bitter writing this, and totally not thinking about the fact that it’s been almost two years since Florida State was ranked in a College Football Playoff Ranking. Totally not at all!

Florida takes on Missouri at 4 p.m. on Saturday, to be aired on SEC Network. A spread of 4.5 is in Florida’s favor.

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Questions? Comments? Trash talk? Leave ‘em below, and I’ll see y’all at the same time next week.