I’ll start right off the bat: I’m sorry for causing Monday’s loss, and for all of last season.
I’m just going to go ahead and assume that, by continuously putting out drivel, nonsense and just, overall, 100% pure haterade, I’ve invited karma of the worst degree to plague Florida State. I’ve accepted that my punishment for subjecting the reading public to my dumbest of thoughts is constant, unrelenting, football-related misery, and I hope that you can as well.
If not, subscription refunds will be issued via Bud Elliot, and you should definitely tweet at him asking for them.
Let’s proceed to throw stones from the most glass of houses.
The Tigers got a nice ol’ warmup game against the Paladins of Furman last week, getting a 48-7 win and finishing the game before 2:30 p.m., perfect timing for Dabo Swinney to head home to have himself a juice, snuggle with his blankie, and go nap nap.
Trevor Lawerence, who absolutely doesn’t look at all like Andy “Brink” Brinkster from hit Disney Channel Original Movie Brink, got his first burn under center for Clemson vs. Furman, leading five scoring drives after taking over for Kelly Bryant early in the second quarter. While the blonde bombshell may hold a slight lead in the media and fan’s eyes, Bryant’s time hasn’t come quite yet. The plan vs. Texas A&M, according to Yo! Dabo Dabo, is to play both quarterbacks, with no hints of Saban trickery imminent.
Ah, wait! Yes! Texas A&M! That’s who Clemson is playing this week! Who could’ve forgotten, what with it being talked ad nausea since John James departed for the land of awkward swaying?
Florida State fans who found themselves having self-doubt when watching Miami (FL) and LSU face off will no doubt have mixed feelings on Saturday. How petty and resentful are you capable of being? Enough to root for an intra-division rival to secure a season-solidifying victory in a game that, according to win probability projections, is basically the second-hardest on schedule, simply to spite a coach that’s already, at the very least, going to get to be humbled beyond belief by Alabama, Mississippi State and Auburn?
To be honest, I hope Dabo drops 50 on ‘em.
Clemson takes on the Aggies on the road at 7 p.m., with the game being broadcast on ESPN. The spread currently sits at 12 points in Clemson’s favor, with an over/under of 54.
Well, at least we get to make fun of Miami this week.
The stupid nerds couldn’t even get blown out as well as FSU did, scoring two touchdowns in the fourth quarter to salvage the hearts of Miami fans not used to season’s falling apart before losing to Florida State. Malik Rosier, the man of two different last name pronunciations, picked things right back up where he left off during the Hurricanes’ three-game losing streak to end the season in 2017, throwing two interceptions en route to a 33-17 loss.
I for one am shocked that Mark Richt is getting smacked around by a lower ranked SEC team— Beyonce has an uncle named Larry Beyince. Bruh.... (@DragonflyJonez) September 3, 2018
There were so many beautiful parts of the Hurricanes’ loss (the gratification of laughing at their high hopes without waiting five weeks, a hilarious lack of turnovers, Ed Orgeron waddling around smiling like a proud toddler), but none greater than the fact that it happened the day before Labor Day, when we all still had hope and happiness.
Despite its laughably bad performance (which, I guess technically, wasn’t that much of a blowout) Miami should still be 5-1 when it heads to Tallahassee, baring unforseen challenges from a terrifying queue of Savannah State, Toledo (did we mention it’s an away game?), FIU and North Carolina.
The Hurricanes take on Savannah State this Saturday at 6 p.m., and will be broadcast on the ACC Network Extra.
Congratulations, Florida, on your head coach-welcoming, season-opening, blowout victory! Seriously, what an accomplishment, that last bozo McElwain could’ve never had a debut like th...wait, 61-13, really? The most points scored by a Florida head coach in his debut? But Muschamp couldn’t have too, right? 41-3?
The Gators had the absolute time of their lives on Saturday, relishing the chance to 53 of its total allotted 130 points for the season (shhh, don’t tell them they’re allowed to have more.) Feleipe Franks had the best performance of his career, throwing for five touchdowns in only a half of play, a year after totaling nine on the season.
It was a nice debut for Dan Dan the Awkward Man, and puts a little bit of a further damper on the hopes of Kentucky collectively blacking out as a team and accidentally winning a football game vs. Florida, but is still pretty in-tune with the preseason expectations for the squad. S&P+ projections had an estimated margin of victory over Charleston Southern at 32.3, and while Florida exceeded that, it still isn’t exactly enough to shatter all perceptions about the team.