NC State is just the absolute worst

First, a disclaimer: I’m absolutely aware that yes, this is petty, and that it’s not actual, serious analysis, journalism or even news in the slightest. All of this is meant in good humor, but by no means, unless I indicate otherwise, am I joking at any point about how much I loath North Carolina State University.

I was but an innocent, hopeful freshman at Florida State in 2012, blinded by the promise of witnessing a primetime, top-ten showdown win vs. Clemson two weeks prior. To me, and to anybody else who hadn’t had witnessed or chose to forget Virginia in 2011 or North Carolina in 2010, the rest of FSU’s schedule seemed extremely manageable, so long as it could handle Florida at the end of the year (nope) and whoever in the ACC Championship (yep).

Those dreams, as I probably don’t have to remind you, were shot down in slow motion on October 6, 2012, as I witnessed Florida State blow a 16-0 halftime lead to Mike Glennon and Tom O’Brien, with the former riding the success of the win into getting paid $45 million to throw four touchdowns for the Chicago Bears and the latter getting fired following the 2012 season.

I sat there in awe, unable to process each stalled drive and spin move-begat sack. I watched a large man waving the shirt that was once on his body on the television screen in joy, then watched a tiny man punch a stop sign down out on the street in anger.

If only I knew that while the first cut is the deepest, it would be just that: the first cut.

Things have gone relatively well for Florida State vs. NC State since then, but they were already a bit sour before 2012. The Wolfpack won the first ever meeting of the schools in 1952, then got smacked around for 46 years, going 16-3 until getting its fifth-ever win vs. FSU in 1998.

Since then, the series has been relatively even, with FSU holding a 12-8 lead. Seven of NC State’s wins have been by less than 10 points, six by less than a touchdown, meaning that there have been plenty of moments to hate the Wolfpack, regardless of the catharsis that came from FSU’s win streak from 2013-16. I mean, yeah, scoring 35 points in the first quarter and running a successful fake punt in the second in 2013 felt good, and so did rallying from a 17-point first-quarter deficit in 2014, but did it really erase the frustration of 2012? Even if it did, NC State currently holds a two-game win streak over FSU, and it’s been really, extremely annoying.

I really don’t like them, like at all. When Tampa Bay drafted Glennon in 2013, I thought of it only as the football universe finding new, synergetic ways to torture me through my Buccaneers fandom. Current head coach Dave Doeren, who looks like Toby Flenderson, is just so supremely easily to dislike. Doeren (who Tennessee football didn’t want, if that says anything) had to apologize to Florida State in 2014 after levying injury-faking accusations following that year’s game. Phillip Rivers wears bolo ties. Russell Wilson is a big nerd, but it’s also hard for the school to claim him after, you know, pretty much forcing him to transfer schools. There’s not even celebrities that went there that I can make fun of, which is definitely something I could make fun of them for, but it’s actually just annoying, so just add that to reasons that I detest these jabronis.

I hope FSU scores 40 in the first quarter and runs twenty fake punts on Saturday.