clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Pick your dream escape room team made of Florida State athletes

New, comments

You’ve only got one shot, and for the love of all that is good, don’t miss your chance to blow.

Clemson v Florida State Photo by Jason Stephens/Replay Photos via Getty Images

They can shatter humans, warp perceptions of others and challenge our very image of what we’ve imagined ourselves to be.

I am, of course, talking about escape rooms, and their ability to ruin you. They’ve been disguised as a “team bonding experience,” but that’s more of a lie than potassium hydroxide.

I’ve done them twice — one time with my own family, the other with my girlfriend and her siblings. When I was with my sisters and mom, we found maybe one clue, argued the whole time and we all left defeated and broken. With a group of humans equipped to handle the rigors of figuring out why a poster is slightly ripped off the wall and using black lights to find the location of a hidden key, we made it through, and I felt absolutely no shame in the fact that my only contributions were the occasional terrible joke and looking in places that were so ridiculous that I saved everybody else’s time. In neither experience did we bond, but I much, much preferred winning and beating the room rather than feeling like what I can only imagine the losers of Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? feel.

Choosing somebody a level of honor and trust that sometimes proves to great of a standard even for the closest of family members and most intimate of relationships. I’m always about stacking the odds in my favor, and I’m always about creating fictional, meaningless arguments, so here’s my question for you all today: what four Florida State Seminoles athletics figures are you taking with you to beat an escape room?

For rules and regulations, here’s the premise. It’s an under 30 minutes room, high difficulty but like your local escape room level of high difficulty (so basically just really, really annoying.) You can pick up to two players from a single sport, there’s no limits on years and coaches and other figures are also free for alls.

Here’s my dream team:

Football, safety Myron Rolle

I mean, duh? It’s not often that you can get a Rhodes Scholar neurosurgeon on your squad — can you imagine how fast this man would be able to speed read through the fake textbook in the room to find the riddle on page 426 that redirects back to page 213, where in the second footnote the sixth word is circled, then combine it with the second letter of the first chapter in the book, rearrange it into two words, then type it into a computer to unlock a picture of the key that would let us get into the second room? Faster than it took me to come up with that ridiculously elaborate example, that’s for sure.

Softball coach Lonni Alameda

As we saw during the Seminoles’ constant displays of tenacity during their title run in 2018, Alameda knows about rallying from adversity. That’s going to come in handy when we run into any potential roadblocks or confidence killers, like when I start crying out of frustration while trying to translate Pig Latin into binary code.

Men’s basketball, center Michael Ojo

Michael Ojo has the one thing in life that Iack, and have been cursed to admire — height. On my own, or when with my fellow vertically deficient family members, the constant threat of not being able to reach stuff is ever present. With Ojo there, he can grab them for me; or even better, I can climb on his shoulders. I’ll be able to retain autonomy by getting the object myself, and get a new perspective — on the room and, for a fleeting moment, life as an extremely tall human.

Mascot, demon spawn Cimarron

I hate him, his energy, his being and everything that his spirit embodies, and so I can blame everything that’s going wrong on his stupid, ugly, terrible existence and not feel any bit of guilt. He’s my Milhouse, my Sweet Dee, my McLovin’ — he’s there to be a punching bag, and any additional benefit from his presence is by pure coincidence and accidentally good planning on my part.

Who would you include that I left off? Would Jalen Ramsey’s physical inability to accept loss spur you to greatness, or cause him to stuff you inside the fake locker that the employees insist is not supposed to be opened? Could Deyna Castellanos bypass several steps and just kick you directly through the wall to get to the next level? The possibilities are endless, and I’d love to hear what you all can come up with.