Face it, Ron Simmons is better than The Rock

Ron Simmons is better than The Rock.

“Wait, what did you just say?”

RON SIMMONS IS BETTER THAN THE ROCK. Pay attention.

Photo by Gary Miller/Getty Images

Listen, I know that this is a fairly nuclear take. It’s been widely promulgated that the University of Miami’s own Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is the best combination of college football player and professional wrestler that the world has ever known. Well, I say this is false. I’ll even go a step further.

Balderdash.

Poppycock.

FLIM-FLAM.

Sorry for the obscene language, but this take is worse than The Scorpion King. It’s orange-and-green ibis propaganda. If there’s two things I hate in this world, it’s orange-and-green ibis propaganda... and carnies. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.

Photo by Richard C. Lewis/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

However, Austin Powers references aside, I can’t just present a case like this with no argument. I have to show you why my opinion on this subject is infallible.

But, not just with my fancy writin’ words. I’m going to use numbers. That’s right; I’m going to use the language of the nerds to show you why the man they call Faarooq (that’s Simmons) is really “the most electrifying man in sports entertainment.”

To keep this exercise purely scientific, I’m going to rank the pro-wrestling and college football careers of both Simmons and Johnson with a score of 1-10. I’ll present stats and mediocre analysis along the way that justifies my subjective, objective ranking. We’ll add both of these scores up at the end, and a winner will be crowned.

I came here to do 2 things: chew bubblegum and hype up the legend of Ron Simmons. And I ate my last piece of Juicy Fruit somewhere around the word flim-flam.

THE BATTLE

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

Miami (FL) Hurricanes

Pro-Wrestling Accolades:

• WWF/WWE Champion - 9 times
• WWF Intercontinental Champion - 2 times
• World Tag Team Champion - 5 times
• 2000 Royal Rumble Champion and 5-time headliner of Wrestlemania
• Very flexible eyebrow
• Great taste in silk shirts

Analysis:

Buckle yourself in FSU fans, The Rock is about to pull off to an early lead. Before he became Samoan Vin Diesel, The Rock was carving out one of the most legendary careers in pro-wrestling history. Similar to Boobie Miles, The Rock could do it all.

He was a natural athlete, a tremendous in-ring worker, and arguably the best ever on the microphone. The Rock was a staple of the famed “Attitude Era” of the WWF and helped wrestling reach a level of popularity and public awareness that it has not achieved since his time in the ring.

The Rock called himself “The Great One” and many fans of the sport (cry) consider him to be “The Greatest One.” His accolades speak for themselves, and he is personally one of my favorite performers of all time. Also, bah gawd, the man was The Beatles of making catchphrases.

Ranking:

I know I said the scale was 1-10, but arbitrary rules were meant to be broken. I’m giving The Rock an extra point for being in the GOAT argument.

11/10

Ron “Faarooq Asaad” Simmons

Florida State Seminoles

Pro-Wrestling Accolades:

• First African-American World Heavyweight Champion (WCW)
• 5-time Tag Team Champion across 2 promotions (WCW and WWF/E)
• WWE Hall of Fame - inducted in 2012
• Pro Wrestling Illustrated’s (PWI) Most Inspirational Wrestler of 1992, also ranked No. 20 overall in the PWI 500 that same year
• Sick moustache
• DAMN!

Analysis:

I know that this might look like a bloodbath against The Rock, but Ron Simmons really had an underrated career in the business of professional wrestling. He found success, popularity, and longevity in both World Championship Wrestling and the World Wrestling Federation, which is a feat that is much harder than it seems.

He was accomplished as both a tag team and singles wrestler, and excelled as both a babyface (good guy) and a heel (bad guy.) His character went through many different iterations, which is always a solid indicator of range. He terrorized the WWF as the leader of the Nation of Domination and terrorized our eyes with his odd chest-painted symbols as a member of The Acolytes.

When you add all of that to a resume that includes the distinction of becoming the first African-American World Champion and an induction in the WWE Hall of Fame, you get a competitive matchup. The Rock still wins, but it’s not the same margin of victory as when FSU played Miami in 2013.

Ranking:

When you lay out all the facts like a respectable gentleman, Simmons had a really solid career.

7/10

Now, here comes the fun part.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

Photos by Miami/Collegiate Images via Getty Images

College Football Accolades:

• 39 game appearances for the University of Miami, 1 start
• 4.25 career sacks, 1 on Charlie Ward in a game that Miami lost by 18 points
• Played with some really good football players
• Only received 1 swirly from Warren Sapp (rumor fabricated by the author...OR IS IT?!?)
• Wore 94, which is an underrated jersey number
• Cool hair

Analysis:

Believe it or not, Dwayne Johnson was a pretty highly-recruited kid coming out of high school. He was a star defensive lineman that was looking to make a name for himself at the decrepit and smelly confines of the Orange Bowl.

He just had 1 guy to beat out.

Unfortunately, that guy was Warren Sapp.

LOL.

Ranking:

All jokes aside, which is very hard for me to do, The Rock did sack Charlie Ward. That means something...about 2 points.

2/10

Ron “Faarooq Asaad” Simmons

Photo by Bettmann Archive/Getty Images

College Football Accolades:

• 25 career sacks and 44 tackles for loss AT NOSE GUARD
• Caused 17 fumbles over his career and had 8 fumble recoveries
• Was an actual good football player
• 2-time Consensus All-American, was recognized on 19 different All-American Teams throughout the course of his career
• Inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame and the Florida State Hall of Fame
• Wore No. 50, which is much cooler for a defensive lineman than No. 94
• Additionally, No. 50 was the first defensive number ever retired at FSU

Analysis:

Florida State football would not be where it is today without Ron Simmons. Legendary coach Bobby Bowden personally credits Simmons as one of the key players that turned the program around and made it a nationally-recognized powerhouse.

His list of accolades and accomplishments is unparalleled, particularly when you recognize that he did at all AT NOSE GUARD.

Seriously, what a beast.

I don’t have to bloviate anymore. Look at the stats. Simmons is a true Seminole legend and powerbombs The Rock through a folding table in this category... a folding table that was on-fire, covered in thumbtacks, and rigged with C4 plastic explosive.

Total annihilation.

Ranking:

A garnet-and-gold GOAT.

10/10

FINAL TALLY:

The Rock: Wrestling score 11 + Football score 2 = 13 total points

Ron Simmons: Wrestling score 7 + Football score 10 = 17 total points

RON SIMMONS CRUSHES THE ROCK!!!!!

Wow, who would have seen that coming?

Maybe, anybody who read the headline of the article, but I digress.

My logic is ironclad, my argument is impregnable, and my style is impetuous.

Shout it from the hilltops FSU fans, Florida State is the real PRO WRESTLER U.