Scorebored watching: A serious analysis of how FSU opponents fared in week one

Hello and welcome to one man’s lazy analysis of this past week’s games. Each week, we’ll update you on the most recent results of Florida State’s 2023 scheduled opponents. We’ll also add an extensive dissection of the game which may or may not include just reading the box score.

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Thursday, August 31st:

Florida stumbles in road test against Utah, 24-11.

The Gators are not out here for moral victories or any victories so far this season. Fortunately for Florida, Utah was missing its starting quarterback. Unfortunately for Florida, Graham Mertz is still their best option at QB.

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Friday, September 1st:

Miami defeats Miami 38-3 in battle for the one, true Miami.

There was no doubt that Miami showed themselves as the true Miami this past Friday in a showdown against Miami at Miami. It was clear from the start, that Miami was vastly superior to Miami as Miami needed only 3 plays to score on their opening drive against Miami. From there Miami cruised to an easy victory over Miami. In other news, Miami added an impact defensive tackle transfer reinforcing the narrative that Miami does not recruit over their freshman.

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Saturday, September 2nd:

Southern Miss cruises to a 40-14 blowout of Alcorn State.

The Golden Eagles remembered the life of their beloved alumnus Jimmy Buffet by easily dispatching the Braves. The Eagles roll into Tallahassee this weekend to see if they can capture the the same magic of 34 years ago when a Brett Favre-led squad upset the sixth-ranked Seminoles. Let’s hope the game doesn’t occur during Brett’s bubble time.

Boston College falls in overtime to Northern Illinois

Thomas Castellanos’ Tecmo Bowl fourth down conversion was not enough to lift the Eagles over the mighty Huskies of Northern Illinois.

After a 3-9 season in 2022, Coach Jeff Hafley’s seat may be heating up. If the defensive-minded coach is let go, maybe the Seminoles could add the former Ohio State co-defensive coordinator to their staff? In fact, let’s not wait, “the Florida State Seminoles have proposed a trade to Boston College. The Seminoles have offered coach Randy Shannon, linebacker Dylan Brown-Turner, and a 2025 four-star to be named later for Hafley and the rights to garnet uniforms in the ACC — at least until FSU leaves the conference.”

Virginia Tech avenges loss to Old Dominion, 36-17

This isn’t your older brother’s Virginia Tech Hokies squad that loses to Old Dominion. This is your Tech team that stretches a one-score first half lead to a three-score victory over ODU.

Syracuse pastes Colgate 65-0.

Sadly the Colgate football team’s mascot is not the dentist, hygienist, tubes, or any toothpaste-related product. It’s the Raiders. Colgate’s longest play from scrimmage was a 16 yard run that was subsequently fumbled and recovered by Syracuse. The Orange defense was impressive overall, holding the fighting ‘Cavities to just 106 total yards.

Wake Forest doesn’t mesh around in 37-17 win over Elon.

Apologies, I’ve been notified the Wake Forest Demon Deacons have requested their “slow mesh” offense be rebranded as “pace and space”. No, I’m serious, they even tweeted about it:

Pitt tames the Terriers of Wofford, 45-7.

Former BC quarterback Phil Jurkovec saw the writing on the wall and transferred to the Pittsburgh Panthers this off-season. Could the ACC betrayal propel the Panthers to the top of the conference? We’ll be following this one closely… well, we’ll at least check the box scores.

North Alabama rolls Chattanooga 41-27 to reach .500.

The Lions already have two games under their belt, and it’s only week one. This game was a close one until UNA dropped 20 points in the fourth quarter.

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Sunday, September 3rd:

LSU gets the heck beat out of them by Florida State.

You may or may not have heard about this one. But Florida State bullied LSU in the second half for their second straight victory over the Tigers, 45-24.

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Monday, September 4th:

Clemson fumbles away the game to the Duke Blue Devils, or if you’re a Duke fan: The Blue Devils dunk Clemson behind a quarterback with hops.

Clemson managed to avoid punting in the entire second half…but also avoided scoring. It’s a rather impressive way to bring back “Clemsoning”. Riley Leonard and Mike Elko’s defense slammed the Clemson Tigers, picking up Duke’s first win against a ranked opponent since… they beat Clemson in 1989.